MELVIN’S ARM

CHAPTER SIX

Slurp … slurp … slurp … Slather … slather … Chomp … chomp … chomp … Burrp! went the loathesome creature.

The disgusting noises which were coming from the other side of the table were quite sickening and Laura couldn’t stand them for a moment longer! She glared fiercely at her little brother and said, ‘I do wish you wouldn’t make those noises while you’re eating, Richie! You’ve got the manners of a duodenally-dysfunctional dung beetle! I mean, who else could eat carrot and fettucine meringue and get it inside their underwear! Try and eat quietly. I’m trying to tell Kelly all about what happened in Lonesome Dell.’

‘Sorry, sis,’ mumbled Richie, splattering his sister and her friend with a large dollop of tomato and twiglet vinaigrette.

It was lunchtime and they were sitting in the en-suite brunch nook of Beelzebub Cottage. Kelly had come round to ask Laura if she’d changed her mind about going to Candy’s swim ’n’ snog party, but Laura was more interested in telling her about the incredible adventure she’d had that morning.

‘Well, Kell’!’ she continued excitedly, ‘There I was in Lonesome Dell being sucked to death by that awful giant snail of Richie’s … Al … Al Pacino?’

‘It’s Alfredo, actually,’ muttered Richie.

‘Was Alfredo!’ corrected Laura, with a smug grin. ‘Where was I?  Yes! This monstrous mollusc is steadily slurping me into Stiffsville Nebraska and I’m doing everything

they taught us at the self-defence class. You know the kind of thing: Engage your assailant in small talk. Ask him if he seen any good movies lately. Enquire after the health of his grandmother. Maintain eye contact at all costs. But none of this is as easy as it sounds. Especially when the eyes in question are on the end of thirty centimetres stalks which are swinging around like asparagus in a hailstorm. So now I’m thinking perhaps it’s time I hurled a couple of kilos of rock salt over my shoulder for luck, if you get my meaning!

Then, all of a sudden, I hear this howling, well more yodelling actually. A bit like the guy in the old movies used to do.’

‘Frank Sinatra?’ said Kelly.

‘No, the other one.’

‘Tarzan!’

‘Yes, that’s him. Anyway, this yodelling is coming from the old apple tree and, a moment later, the most gorgeous-looking specimen of boy-hunk I’ve ever seen drops out of it. You know the one I mean, don’t you Richie?’

Richie suddenly looked panicky and said, ‘The tree or the boy?’

‘The tree, of course!’ said Laura. ‘The one where Mum and Dad hold their fruit-therapy sessions. Well, I can tell you Kelly, this was no apple. This was the most wonderful piece of boy-chunk that ever walked the earth. He is amazing. He is perfect! Get back in the pet shop, Quasimodo Broadacre, is what I’m thinking.’

‘Wow!’ said Kelly.

‘On no!’ muttered Richie.

‘Well, Kell’, he swings down from those branches like an Olympic gymnast then stands there all calm and magnificent and, ever so politely he says, “Is this snail  bothering you, miss?”’

‘Wow!’ said Kelly, her eyes wide with excitement.

‘And I say, “Well, it is actually. I’m being eaten alive, actually. Do you think you could help me?” And he says, “No problem ma’am. Glad to be of assistance!” and he’s got this voice like the really handsome guy who does the weather news on TV. I love that guy’s voice. He only has to say, “Squally showers …” and the hairs on the back of my legs stand on end …’

‘Mine too!’ said Kelly.

‘So, continued Laura. ‘This handsome stranger gives Al Pacino this real cool stare and says, “Hey creep, you’re kind of bothering this little lady.” Of course, Al Pacino, being a snail and from Africa, doesn’t understand a word and carries on slurping away. Now, the gorgeous hunk braces himself, feet slightly apart, and starts to flex his triceratops, then says, “I’m sorry but this might hurt a bit,” and I’m not sure whether he’s talking to me or the snail. Then, there’s this tearing sound and my back feels like it’s having the biggest Band Aid in the world ripped off it. Then, all at once, I’m free and the stranger throws Al Pacino into the bushes!’

‘Bravo!’ yelled Kelly.

‘It’s not over yet.’ 

‘Oh, shucks!’

‘Now, Al Pacino doesn’t like being dragged away from his lunch and turns real mean. You know what he does? He charges the guy!’ 

‘How much?’ said Kelly, open-mouthed in astonishment.

‘No, not like that, like a bull!’

‘Oh, no!’ said Kelly. 

‘Yes, he puts his head down and charges the handsome stranger. Of course, this takes him ten minutes or so, him being a snail. So, while we’re waiting, me and Mr Wonderful take the opportunity to get acquainted. He tells me his name and I tell him mine. He says he’s a stranger in the neighbourhood and I ask him where he’s staying and he says he can’t remember. I think he’s a bit shy and actually I’m doing most of the talking anyway. You know how it is, don’t you, Kelly?’

‘Well … ’

‘Anyway, just as I’m about to ask him if he’s ever been to a swim ’n’ snog party, there’s this sickening thud and Al Pacino hits him doing about thirteen millimetres an hour and over they go. Now the action really hots up and they’re rolling around on the grass.’

‘Slugging it out?’ said Kelly.

‘Exactly, and I’m thinking, Hey, little Miss Fudge, half an hour ago you were in Reject City, Arizona and now, can you believe it, two guys are battling it out over you. Isn’t life funny Kelly?’

‘Sure is,’ said Kelly.

‘Hilarious.’ said Richie, looking more gloomy by the minute.

‘Of course, Al Pacino being a coward, fights dirty and every time the stranger looks like he’s getting the upper hand he slides back into his shell.’

‘Oh, so the stranger had a shell, too?’ said Kelly, with a look of surprise.

‘No, of course he’s not got a shell!’ Richie snapped irritably. ‘She’s talking about the snail, not Melvin. Why should Melvin have a shell, dimwit!’

Laura looked at Richie in absolute astonishment.

‘Hey, how do you know his name?’ she gasped.

‘Just a guess, Just a lucky guess, I guess?’ said Richie smiling weakly.

Laura gave her brother a confused look then went back to her story. 

‘Anyway, Kelly, he hides in his shell just one time too often and the stranger picks him up and carries him off into the bushes and then there’s this horrible crunching slurping sound, followed by a long burp.’

‘Oh no!’ cried Kelly.

‘Hang on! Just as I’m thinking the snail’s won after all, the stranger walks out from the bushes smiling and licking his lips and now I know I’m really safe!’

‘Yipppee!’ cried Kelly.

‘Well, Kelly, we get to chatting and what do you know? He’s never been to a swim ’n’ snog party before but he’d sure like to try one. So, Kelly, I’m coming to Candy’s after all. Isn’t it amazing? It’s like a fairy story, isnt it?’

‘A dream come true.’ said Kelly.

‘My worst nightmare!’ murmured Richie.

‘He couldn’t be more perfect if someone had made him to order,’ sighed Laura.

‘You lucky thing,’ sighed Kelly.

Just then, the doorbell began to ring charismatically.

Laura looked all nervous and started to pluck her eyebrows furiously, saying. ‘That’ll be him, Kelly!’

A moment later she came back into the brunch nook with the most handsome, gorgeous, beautiful, young man Kelly had ever seen. As his huge shoulders filled the room, her lashes began to flutter uncontrollably, creating a pleasant and cooling breeze. Richie slowly slid down in his chair until just the top of his head was visible above the table.

Laura beamed proudly at Kelly and said, ‘Kelly, I’d like you to meet Melvin.’

Kelly blushed and giggled, ‘Hi, Melvin!’

‘Hi, Kelly,’ said the megahunk.

‘And this is my little brother, Richie,’ said Laura pointing to the top of her brother’s head.

‘Richie, aren’t you going to say hello to Melvin?’

‘Hello, Melvin,’ croaked Richie from beneath the table.

‘Hello, Daddy!’ said Melvin.