‘MELVIN’S ARM’

Eight

Laura steered her new, shiny Nissan Kimono into the drive of Purrgloss Dungeons, the former prison farm which Candy’s father had converted to a luxurious, country home with the help of several thousand convicted criminals. She heard the sound of splashing coming from the direction of the magnificent handcuff-shaped, Olympic-size swimming pool.

Oh dear, she thought anxiously. I do hope I’ve got the right day and that we haven’t come to one of Judge Purrgloss’s notoriously cruel, but educationally-valid, re-enactments of the Salem witch drownings.

A second later, the screams were replaced by moronic laughter and Laura knew she’d got the right day. She  recognised the familiar sound of the sixth grade of Elvis High having fun.

‘I think the party’s already started!’ she said to one of Melvin’s enormous thighs.

The journey hadn’t been easy. Melvin was a big boy and he’d had problems getting into Laura’s little Kimono. 

Eventually though, he’d managed to squeeze himself halfway through the sunroof and had spent an enjoyable trip waving, president-like, to passers-by, while Laura pointed out the more interesting bits of the town to his left knee.

As they slowly mounted the imposing steps which led up to the front door of the huge house, Laura anxiously looked around for someone to tell her the whereabouts of the brake pedal in her new car. It wasn’t necessary though. They eventually came to rest against a massive pillar which Melvin correctly identified with a yell of ‘Doric!’, as his head bounced off the stonework.

After a bit of a struggle and some furious tugging by several of the Purrgloss’s ex-criminal servants, Melvin popped out of the Kimono like a champagne cork. An elderly, reformed axe-murderer led them through the house to the garden.

The party was in full swing. Teenagers of all sexes lay around the poolside caterwauling along to their personal music-players and rubbing low-calorie sun cream onto their exquisitely pink bodies. Ancient ex-criminal servants obsequiously made their way amongst the guests and served them enormous hamburgers, cream cakes, plates of jelly in the shape of bunny rabbits, alphabetti spaghetti and buckets of popcorn, pausing only to steal their wallets when they weren’t looking. Every now and again, one of the teenagers would reach surreptitiously into their beach bag and take out a full length mirror in order to check the depth of their suntans or the whiteness of their teeth or the colour of their eyes. Occasionally, they would all laugh hysterically as some wit pushed a decrepit old waiter into the pool or did an impression of a whale with a bad case of wind. Well, Laura assumed it was an impression.

Her attention was attracted by a chorus of ‘Oohs’ and ‘Ahhs’ coming from the shallow end of the pool. She wasn’t in the least bit surprised to see Kent and a gang of taller boys giving an impressive display of ‘jumping in’. He’d always been a  devil-may-care, anything-for-kicks type of person. He was being watched by a group of admiring girls, which naturally included Tamsin Tempest. Tamsin was looking stunningly attractive as usual, in her flesh-coloured, lurex body stocking and matching flippers. Melvin watched in fascination as Kent held the bar at the side of the pool and kicked his legs behind him, while Tamsin and the other girls sighed with admiration. Melvin looked at Laura and said, ‘Is that snogging?’

‘No,’ said Laura. ‘That’s not snogging. I’ll let you know when the snogging starts. I’ll even give you a personal demonstration, if you like!’

She winked at him suggestively. How could a boy grow so big and so handsome and not know what snogging was? Then she remembered how Richie had said that Melvin had been brought up on a fried-chicken farm in a very remote part of Kentucky.  The only person for miles around had been his old Uncle Col’. Sadly, he’d died in a freak plucking accident, which was why Melvin was in Elvis Falls, staying with his Uncle Mac. 

Right, thought Laura. It’s time to make this lot greener than an environmentalist’s cardigan in Greenville, Ohio!

She grasped Melvin’s arm and they came out from behind the shrub which had concealed them from her friends.

‘Hi everyone! It’s me, I’m here!’ she cried above the hubbub.

Suddenly there was total silence as the assembled teenagers ceased their caterwauling. All eyes were now on Laura and Melvin and the only sound that could be heard was the eerie splashing of an overturned waiter, flopping around helplessly at the shallow end of the pool.

The entire gathering was absolutely awestruck by the sight of Melvin. Laura had expected him to cause a reaction, but this was something else! Girls drooled openly! Hardened, ex-criminal waiters whimpered with fear. Boys pulled small tape measures from the pockets of their swimming trunks and began furtively measuring their biceps.

‘Hi everyone, this is Melvin. He’s my new date!’ chirped Laura.

Nine

When the stunned teenagers and gibbering ex-criminals eventually stopped sighing and gasping, Kent Broadacre stepped forward and introduced himself to Melvin.

‘Hi, Melvin! I’m really glad to know you, I’m Kent, the guy, not the English shire. Ha ha!’

He eyed Melvin’s enormous muscles and said, ‘Say Melvin, your pecs are really neat. You must be a body builder.’

‘A what?’ said Melvin.

‘A body builder,’ said Kent. ‘You know, you must have worked really hard to get yourself into that shape.’

‘No, I didn’t,’ said Melvin. ‘I didn’t do anything. I was made this way. Not a bad shape, am I? My friend Richie’s the body builder. It’s his hobby.’

‘What, that little squirt?’ said Kent. ‘You’ve got to be kidding!’

‘I’m sure he told me he was a body builder,’ said Melvin. He looked thoughtful for a moment then said, ‘I know, he must have said buddy builder! Yes, that would be it. After all, I am the new friend he made, aren’t I?’

‘You’re certainly well-built,’ said Kent. ‘But listen, I’m the one they all look up to around here. So stick with me and you can be one of the boys! Why don’t you join me and the guys in a little poolside horseplay? Maybe a game of Walter the Windy Whale? Or perhaps a really scary ‘jumping in’ session? If you’re brave enough, that is. Get your things off! The changing room’s right over there.’

Melvin looked a bit bewildered, so Laura said, ‘Go on Melvin! Enjoy yourself!’ 

‘Righto, Daddio! said Melvin and he jogged off to the changing rooms.

When he jogged out again a few minutes later, the effect was sensational. None of the Elvis High teenagers had ever seen a body as perfect as his in the flesh before. They couldn’t stop staring. There wasn’t a muscle on him that wasn’t developed to the peak of perfection, and the fact that he was now also completely nude, just added to their sense of wonder. He strode purposefully towards them grinning pleasantly whilst athletically raising and lowering his arms. 

‘I’m ready to have fun now!’ he laughed, dropping to his knees at the feet of the girls and commencing a series of energetic press ups.

‘Sorry about this, everyone,’ said Laura, as she grabbed a deckchair and threw it on top of her bouncing boyfriend.

‘Stop that this minute, Melvin!’ she hissed.

“What’s the matter, daddio ?’ said Melvin, from under the deck chair.

‘You’re what’s the matter, Melvin!’ snapped Laura. ‘Kent didn’t mean take all your things off. Now go back into the changing room and find yourself a swimming costume. Immediately!’

To Laura’s great relief, Melvin did as he was told and emerged a few moments later wearing one of the Purrgloss family’s old cast-offs. He trotted over to Kent and his pals who had now recommenced their jumping-in game.

‘Dig the bikini, Melvin!’ said Kent. ‘Now, why don’t you jump in. It’s a bit scary, but its terrific fun! You’re not scared are you? There’s absolutely nothing to fear.’

‘What does that mean?’ said Melvin.

‘Melvin doesn’t know the meaning of the word, fear,’ Laura said proudly.

Melvin wandered over to the diving board. He swiftly climbed to the highest platform and launched himself into an Olympic standard, reverse, triple somersault. Halfway through his spectacular descent, he paused momentarily and gave a friendly wave to the astonished teenagers who burst into a round of spontaneous applause. Their clapping and cheering was still echoing around Purrgloss Dungeons as his perfect body sliced smoothly into the swimming pool.

‘Bravo! Bravo! What a diver! What a dare-devil!’ yelled the girls and waiters. 

Kent Broadacre wiped a flurry of tears from his cheeks and said, ‘I’m bored with this jumping-in game.’

Melvin sprang effortlessly from the pool and shook himself like a big dog. 

‘What a mover!’ gasped Tamsin, throwing up her arms in admiration. ‘Oh shucks, now I’ve gone and knocked my shades into the pool.’

She plunged into the water to retrieve her sunglasses but didn’t reappear immediately. When ten minutes had passed and she still hadn’t surfaced the rest of girls began to exchange worried looks.

‘Where can she be? I’d better have a look for her!’ said Charmaine Fretwell and, she too, plunged under the water.

Seconds later, Charmaine broke the surface. Her eyes were wide with terror and tears coursed down her shivering cheeks. 

‘It’s Tamsin!’ she screamed. ‘Her head’s caught in the bars of the underwater filtration system and she’s turning a strange colour. Her skin’s going all wrinkly. It’s awful!’

‘I know exactly what you mean,’ said Kelly. ‘I had just the same problem the night before the Miss Elvis Falls Contest when I stayed in the bath too long. My skin went really crinkly too and I couldn’t do anything with it for weeks afterwards. Tamsin’s complexion is going to be completely ruined!’

‘Yes, but Tamsin’s stuck!’ screamed Charmaine. ‘She won’t last much longer if she doesn’t get help!

Ten

‘I’ve got some moisturiser in my bag, if that’s any help,’ said Kelly.

‘Oh, do shut up!’ sobbed Candy Purrgloss. ‘Don’t you understand? This is really serious and its happening at my swim ’n’ snog party!’

‘Calm down, Candy! There’s no point in going to pieces,’ said Charmaine. ‘There’s still a chance we can save her.’

‘What are you talking about, Charmaine?’ said Candy.

‘I’m talking about rescuing Tamsin, of course!’ snapped Charmaine. ‘She’s in terrible danger!’

‘It’s not Tamsin I’m worried about!’ wailed Candy. ‘It’s my father!’

‘Is he down there as well?’ said Kelly.

‘Of course he’s not!’ sobbed Candy. ‘But he has only just had that filtration system fitted and if Tamsin is stuck in it much longer it will be ruined! Daddy is going to be furious! He’ll probably ban my swim ’n’ snog parties for ever!’

Everyone stopped rubbing sun cream into themselves and gasped with dismay.

‘She’s right you know,’ said Wynette Pilkington. ‘We’ve got the same system in our pool. We had a couple of servants trapped in ours. They cost a fortune to replace. They’re made from a very precious titanium-coated graphite.’

‘Our servants are just made of skin and finger nails and stuff,’ said Kelly.

‘Someone do something!’ said Charmaine.

Candy looked at Kent Broadacre and said, ‘She’s your date, Kent Why don’t you do something?’

Kent stopped sucking his thumb and quickly deflated his water wings. ‘That’s all very well, Candy. She might be my date but it is your father’s swimming pool!’

While the teenagers stood bickering on the poolside, something brown and Adonis-like streaked past them. They looked up just in time to see Melvin’s bronzed body knife through the water.

‘It’s alright, I’ll get her. There’s nothing to fear, whatever that is,’ he called over his shoulder, just before he disappeared below the surface.

‘Gee, what a guy!’ chorused the girls. 

‘Yes, and he’s all mine!’ smirked Laura.

Everyone waited with baited breath. After a minute or two, Melvin’s head popped out of the water and he said, ‘What did you say her name was?’

‘It’s Tamsin, Tamsin Tempest!’ said Charmaine Fretwell.

Melvin plunged down again and this time he was under the water for what seemed like ages. Then, without warning, Tamsin climbed out of the pool and said, ‘Hi everyone! Has anyone got any skin lotion? My complexion’s gone all pruney. I must look at least …twenty three!’

‘Tamsin! Thank goodness, you’re alright!’ cried Laura. ‘But where’s Melvin?’

‘Oh, he’s OK. He’ll be here in a minute,’ laughed Tamsin. ‘There’s nothing to worry about. He’s reassembling the filtration unit. He thought he might as well give it a quick service while he’s down there. He’s so practical isn’t he? And so capable and so brave and so strong and … such a good …. kisser! Wow, what an afternoon. I haven’t had this much fun since your little brother fed the Get Up And Go To The Toilet breakfast cereal to Candy’s pony of the eve of the Elvis Falls Best Behaved Pony competition. You’re so lucky to have him for a boyfriend, Laura!’

‘Tamsin!’ said Laura. ‘What do you mean fun? What do you mean good kisser?”

‘You know, a kiss-of-life kisser, of course!’ giggled Tamsin. ‘He must have done it to me at least a hundred times when we were down there. And he didn’t have to come up for air once. He just gave me a really thorough snogging every two minutes or so. He must have the lungs of an elephant!’

‘They’re from a dolphin, actually,’ muttered Richie as he crouched behind a vat of suntan oil and jealously watched the adoring teenagers crowd around his Melvin. 

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