Chapter Four
What’s happened Richie? What can’t you stand? What’s diabolical?’ said Laura.
‘Your behaviour. That’s what’s diabolical. You’re crazy!’ said Richie.
‘What do you mean, crazy?’
‘I mean crazy, as in obsessed! I mean obsessed as in nuts- about-tidying-up, that’s what. You just can’t stop putting things away, can you? Not half an hour ago, I left six rolls of plaster, an alpaca hair wig, a set of false teeth, a heart pacemaker and a copy of Amateur Genetics on the kitchen table. And now the whole lot’s disappeared. It really is the limit. I can’t put anything down for a minute in this house. It’s diabolical! And I bet you know where those things are!’
‘Well, as a matter of fact, I do,’ replied Laura. ‘But before I tell you, I need to say something. Richie, I’m very disappointed about how untidy you’ve been just lately. I can’t believe the things you’ve left lying around the house. The secondhand heart-resucitator and the box of surgical instruments in the lumber room. And the frozen pancreas and the rib cage you left on the kitchen worktop! Why are you always just dumping things and assuming I will clean up after you. I get fed up with it. It’s about time you adopted a more responsible attitude to your home!’
Richie hung his head in shame then said, ‘Well, I suppose you have got a point, Laura. I am nearly ten, I will try and be more tidy in future.’
‘Is that a promise?’
’It’s a promise.’
‘That’s more like it, Richie. That’s what I like to hear.’ Laura leaned down and gave Richie an affectionate kiss on the cheek. As did so, she noticed that her brother smelled strongly of surgical spirit and felt pleased that he had also decided to take an interest in his personal hygiene.
Laura slept badly that night. Her sleep was constantly interrupted by weird dreams, not to mention the terrible storm which was raging around Beelzebub Cottage. She just couldn’t understand why their house always had to get the worst weather in Elvis Falls.
Later that same night, Laura had a brilliant dream. She was an enormous hamster gnawing the throat of Tamsin Tempest. She was about to feed Kent Broadacre to her babies, bit by bit, when she was awoken by voices coming from Richie’s room.
How odd she thought. Richie didn’t mention anything about having a friend to stay. And more to the point, he hasn’t got any friends!
She did recognise one of the voices. It was definitely Richie’s. But she certainly didn’t know the other one. Deep and reassuring, it sounded a bit like the really handsome guy who did the weather news on the TV. But what would he be doing in Richie’s bedroom at this time of night? She put her ear to the wall and listened …
‘No, don’t get me wrong,’ said the deep and sonorous voice. ‘It’s not that I don’t like my legs. I just wish they were both the same length, that’s all.’
‘I haven’t quite finished them, that’s why,’ said Richie’s voice. ‘You’ll just have to be patient.’
‘By the way, I’m really hungry!’ said the strange voice. ‘You haven’t got any more of those mice, have you? They’re absolutely delicious! I could eat hundreds of them! In fact, I think I’m even hungry enough to eat a horse. You haven’t got a horse by any chance have you? I really would like a horse for my supper tonight.’
There was a pause, then Richie said, ‘Well actually, my sister’s friend, Candy Purrgloss, has got a pony called Dinky, but her daddy would be furious if you ate that. It cost lots of money and Judge Purrgloss is a very important man. We could get into lots and lots of trouble. I think I’ll just go and see if I can catch you another mouse.’
‘Are judges nice to eat?’ said the voice.
‘I don’t know, I’ve never eaten one,’ said Richie.
Laura had never heard such a strange conversation in her life. It was so weird that she even forgot to be upset about Kent and Tammy. Who on earth could be in her brother’s bedroom at this time of night? She lay there and puzzled over this mystery for a while. In the end, she decided that it was just too strange to be real. It just had to be a dream. She pulled the covers over her head and went back to sleep.
A bit later on, she had another dream. In this one she heard the voices again but this time her curiosity got the better of her and she got out of bed to investigate. As quietly as she could, she tiptoed onto the landing and hid behind a cupboard. A few minutes later, Richie came out of his bedroom carrying a mousetrap, leaving the door slightly ajar. Laura got down on her hands and knees, shuffled over to the door and peered through the gap.
The sight which met her eyes filled her with fear, wonder, amazement, horror, disgust, admiration, pity, nausea and embarrassment (but not necessarily in that order). There, standing in Richie’s bedroom, was a young man attached to a twelve-volt car battery. He was wearing a pair of Dr Dwight’s underpants and was staring hungrily at a copy of Good Mouse Keeping. She couldn’t see his face but, even from the back, she knew that she was looking at the most perfect-looking boy she’d ever seen in her whole life.
As she climbed back into bed a few minutes later she thought, Well, I’m glad that this is only a dream! and immediately went back to sleep.